When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
When I was about 7 years old, all I wanted from life was to become a motorcycle policeman. CHIPS was on the telly, and I had a great helmet and goggles set that I used to wear when I was riding my bike around outside the house. I'm sure riding about the home counties would not have been quite as glamorous as California, and I suspect I would have had less need to the mirrored shades, but as ambitions go, it wasn't a bad one.
By the time I was a teenager, my ambtions had shifted, and I was now determined that I wanted to become a lawyer instead. A shift due, at least in part, to the fact that my father is a doctor, and he regularly attended road traffic accidents, and was all too aware of the casualty rate amongst bikers - he made it absolutely clear that I would only have a motorbike over his dead body. By this time though, I had also become a little bit more aware of my own intellectual capabilities, and I loved the idea of the cut and thrust of the courtroom, as demonstrated by such heroes as Rumpole and Perry Mason.
This ambition lasted until I came to choose the course I wanted to do at University. At a careers day, a solicitor told me that a law degree was tedious, and that I would be much better served doing a degree that I was interested in first, and then if I still wanted to be a lawyer, I could always do a conversion course. I did a history degree, and then a masters degree in Medieval Studies, and at some point along the way becoming a lawyer dropped off my agenda, and I sort of drifted into my current career as an IT Consultant (I applied for loads of jobs as I was finishing my masters, but for some reason the majority of the invitations for interview came for IT jobs).
I was thinking about this last week. Work was tough. I get paid pretty well, but I am not currently finding the work that I find myself doing particularly inspiring or challenging. I need to find something else to do. I believe that opportunity exists in my current company (over 300,000 employees worldwide), but I need to get off my arse and find something I do want to do.
I don't want to be melodramatic about it, but where did it all go wrong? How did I end up here?
I think I reached the peak of my potential in 1987 at the age of 13. I was head boy at school and had been awarded a scholarship to attend my next school. I was frighteningly mature - worryingly sensible, and probably even less fun at parties than I am now. It's pretty much been downhill ever since. Yes, I continued to achieve good academic results, but I just reckon that things started to tail off. I was coasting. I was bright enough to get a 2:1 in my first degree without really busting a gut, but it could and should have been better than that (although, I seriously doubt that getting a first class degree would have made anything different apart from serving to further swell my intellectual vanity). I drifted into my Masters degree because I wasn't sure what else to do, and had in mind some hare-brained scheme that I would go on to do a PhD because I was bright enough to do on, not because I had some important contribution to make to historical scholarship. And then I drifted into business, where I'm still drifting today.
I'm not going to get on my high horse here and start bleating about how I should be doing something more worthwhile. I donate money to charity, and I am planning on donating some of my time this year as well. I have no problem with working for big business, and do not think that I would be making the world a significantly better place by heading out to Africa as a VSO volunteer or something like that (although I will not dispute that the people who do this are clearly contributing something worthwhile. I just don't think it's for me.) For me the key is that I need to be intellectually challenged. I don't need to be Managing Director, and I'm not all that bothered about status either - although I do expect to be paid what I believe I am worth. I am not being challenged and I need this to change or I will go mad. It's one of the things I like about blogging actually - it gives me a creative outlet that I do not get in my normal working day. I always used to be good at writing, and although I get to use this ability to some extent at work, it's not quite the same as being able to really express myself in the way that I can here (albeit on subjects as high-brow as peeing in the sink).
I know I have lots of things I should be grateful for: I have a lovely girlfriend, a job that pays me pretty well (if not as well as I would like, but a lot better than most people), a nice house.... all that kind of stuff... but I have found myself wondering over the last couple of weeks how much simpler life was when I just wanted to be a motorcycle policeman.
---
Okay - couple more CD purchases to report this weekend:
Climate of the Hunter - Scott Walker (bizarrely featuring both Billy Ocean and Mark Knopfler)
Silent Alarm - Bloc Party (I elected to buy the version without the DVD. I never watch the bloody things, and all this extra packaging is starting to really annoy me)
I've spoken a fair bit about both in the last few weeks, so I'll try not to repeat myself by talking about them again here. I'm sure you've noticed though, I'm going through something of a Scott Walker phase at the moment. At work on Friday, whilst working on an incredibly tedious spreadsheet, I listened my way through Scott, Scott 2, Scott 3, Scott 4 and Tilt. Not exactly uplifting, but it worked, and I got the bloody thing finished. Tilt in particular is a really challenging piece of work - Walker doesn't even really sing in his trademark baritone, favouring some kind of semi-operatic syle. It's not something you could listen to everyday, but it still rewards the listener, some 10 years after it was released. It's also a natural progression from 1984s Climate of the Hunter.... he's apparently in the studio again now, so I await the output of that eagerly.
Hm.
Sorry about that. I appear to have banged on about Scott Walker at length again....
---
Cruz Beckham. A traditional spanish girl's name. For a boy.
Way to go genius.
By the time I was a teenager, my ambtions had shifted, and I was now determined that I wanted to become a lawyer instead. A shift due, at least in part, to the fact that my father is a doctor, and he regularly attended road traffic accidents, and was all too aware of the casualty rate amongst bikers - he made it absolutely clear that I would only have a motorbike over his dead body. By this time though, I had also become a little bit more aware of my own intellectual capabilities, and I loved the idea of the cut and thrust of the courtroom, as demonstrated by such heroes as Rumpole and Perry Mason.
This ambition lasted until I came to choose the course I wanted to do at University. At a careers day, a solicitor told me that a law degree was tedious, and that I would be much better served doing a degree that I was interested in first, and then if I still wanted to be a lawyer, I could always do a conversion course. I did a history degree, and then a masters degree in Medieval Studies, and at some point along the way becoming a lawyer dropped off my agenda, and I sort of drifted into my current career as an IT Consultant (I applied for loads of jobs as I was finishing my masters, but for some reason the majority of the invitations for interview came for IT jobs).
I was thinking about this last week. Work was tough. I get paid pretty well, but I am not currently finding the work that I find myself doing particularly inspiring or challenging. I need to find something else to do. I believe that opportunity exists in my current company (over 300,000 employees worldwide), but I need to get off my arse and find something I do want to do.
I don't want to be melodramatic about it, but where did it all go wrong? How did I end up here?
I think I reached the peak of my potential in 1987 at the age of 13. I was head boy at school and had been awarded a scholarship to attend my next school. I was frighteningly mature - worryingly sensible, and probably even less fun at parties than I am now. It's pretty much been downhill ever since. Yes, I continued to achieve good academic results, but I just reckon that things started to tail off. I was coasting. I was bright enough to get a 2:1 in my first degree without really busting a gut, but it could and should have been better than that (although, I seriously doubt that getting a first class degree would have made anything different apart from serving to further swell my intellectual vanity). I drifted into my Masters degree because I wasn't sure what else to do, and had in mind some hare-brained scheme that I would go on to do a PhD because I was bright enough to do on, not because I had some important contribution to make to historical scholarship. And then I drifted into business, where I'm still drifting today.
I'm not going to get on my high horse here and start bleating about how I should be doing something more worthwhile. I donate money to charity, and I am planning on donating some of my time this year as well. I have no problem with working for big business, and do not think that I would be making the world a significantly better place by heading out to Africa as a VSO volunteer or something like that (although I will not dispute that the people who do this are clearly contributing something worthwhile. I just don't think it's for me.) For me the key is that I need to be intellectually challenged. I don't need to be Managing Director, and I'm not all that bothered about status either - although I do expect to be paid what I believe I am worth. I am not being challenged and I need this to change or I will go mad. It's one of the things I like about blogging actually - it gives me a creative outlet that I do not get in my normal working day. I always used to be good at writing, and although I get to use this ability to some extent at work, it's not quite the same as being able to really express myself in the way that I can here (albeit on subjects as high-brow as peeing in the sink).
I know I have lots of things I should be grateful for: I have a lovely girlfriend, a job that pays me pretty well (if not as well as I would like, but a lot better than most people), a nice house.... all that kind of stuff... but I have found myself wondering over the last couple of weeks how much simpler life was when I just wanted to be a motorcycle policeman.
---
Okay - couple more CD purchases to report this weekend:
Climate of the Hunter - Scott Walker (bizarrely featuring both Billy Ocean and Mark Knopfler)
Silent Alarm - Bloc Party (I elected to buy the version without the DVD. I never watch the bloody things, and all this extra packaging is starting to really annoy me)
I've spoken a fair bit about both in the last few weeks, so I'll try not to repeat myself by talking about them again here. I'm sure you've noticed though, I'm going through something of a Scott Walker phase at the moment. At work on Friday, whilst working on an incredibly tedious spreadsheet, I listened my way through Scott, Scott 2, Scott 3, Scott 4 and Tilt. Not exactly uplifting, but it worked, and I got the bloody thing finished. Tilt in particular is a really challenging piece of work - Walker doesn't even really sing in his trademark baritone, favouring some kind of semi-operatic syle. It's not something you could listen to everyday, but it still rewards the listener, some 10 years after it was released. It's also a natural progression from 1984s Climate of the Hunter.... he's apparently in the studio again now, so I await the output of that eagerly.
Hm.
Sorry about that. I appear to have banged on about Scott Walker at length again....
---
Cruz Beckham. A traditional spanish girl's name. For a boy.
Way to go genius.
posted by swisslet @ 18:54
8 Comments:
At 5:20 am,
Jenni said…
I think you are quite right that it is important to be intellectually challenged. That's the main reason why I am heading back to school, as I wasn't feeling challenged before.
However, I think you are wrong about already reaching your peak of potential. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. There are more important things to measure yourself by than just your ambitions, your job, your paycheck. Like why you have those ambitions or what kind of person you are. From where I sit, you measure up quite nicely in those departments.
And, if you are striving (as it seems) to make sure you are being challenged, and you are sitting there writing this post it seems you realize you do still have quite a bit of potential and you are hoping to find some meaningful way to fulfill it. For what it's worth, I think you should fulfill it in a way that is meaningful to you. And if that means buying two great big helmets and goggles for you and C. and hopping on the back of a motorcycle, so be it ;)
*I'm hoping this doesn't sound preachy, as I meant it to be encouraging. You never can tell how people will read it on the screen though, so I thought I would add on this disclaimer.
At 7:20 am,
Aravis said…
I agree with what Jenni so eloquently said. Only since she said it better, I'll leave it at that. *G*
At 8:27 am,
LB said…
I had this debate with myself about two years ago. My job is pretty same-y and the longer I do it, the easier it becomes.
It doesnt necessarily follow, though, that you have to change your job to seek the stimulus or challenge you are looking for I dont think.
I got asked during that time to write a 750 word article for one of the financial trade papers, which I did, and thoroughly enjoyed. They liked it, too and now, two years later, I write a regular weekly column as well as the odd other piece, mainly for trade publications but occasionally for the national press as well.
What I am saying, I guess, is that this gives me the opportunity to do something I like and I can still turn up and get paid well for doing my day to day job.
Unfortunately, we aren't all going to become writers or professional sportsmen, the vast majority of us will end up in largely anonymous jobs. I ended up where I am now as I was offered two jobs in my final year at University. I could have gone on the graduate scheme with Sainsbury's or with the Abbey National and, ten years later, I am working in financial services "because I didnt fancy the early starts associated with working in a supermarket". That one [flippant] decision has determined my entire career....
At 8:35 am,
Damo said…
In my current position, I doubt I will ever be able to afford a house. Ever. If I earned more than twice what I'm on, I could still barely make it without giving up virtually penny I own.
I have always thought that the lowest thing anyone could ever do was to say 'there are people less fortunate than you', and I still do. If we take that to its logical conclusion, pretty much nobody in the UK ever has the right to complain. And it's always the people that actually are less fortunate who NEVER say the above, because it's the ones that are fortunate that really need an excuse to make the rest of us be quiet. My cousin who had Cystic Fibrosis and died aged 20 was one person who never said that, although many told me (and others) that we should think of her before complaining ourselves.
So I've bit my lip and I'm not going to complain. But let's just say you're very, very lucky to be able to own a house...
At 9:53 am,
Teresa Bowman said…
Sheesh. Don't get me started on my career prospects ...
I agree, though, about the stupidity of the maxim "There are people worse off than you". Yes, OK, there are. I appreciate that I'm not blind or hideously maimed or suffering from AIDS. I appreciate that I'm not homeless or an eastern European sex slave or a prisoner of war. But that doesn't mean I should shut up and be contented with my lot. If I'm unhappy or discontented with my life, or aspects of it, why shouldn't I say so? Especially if I'm not just pointlessly moaning but trying to think of ways in which I can make things better?
It's called holy restlessness and, as Miró (one of my favourite painters) said: "Thanks to this, man has developed."
At 9:53 am,
John McClure said…
"People don't think that I've got the brains to do something like that, but I have got the brains."
[I have a few things I could say about the rest of your post, but I thought it would be funnier to annoy you by just picking up on the Beckham thing]
At 12:23 pm,
Soaring said…
Bless you, I do hope you find something to satisfy your restlessness, all of you, actually... There are seasons in life, things ever changing, ever moving in and out of phase. There is the desert, the mountaintop, the fire... Its just a fact of life, I guess. There are some things we can have control of, and others we can't. Its not always our circumstances that have to change. Sometimes, when we change, our circumstances look so different, they are as good as new! Here's to hope in a bright future. Bon Voyage, all!
At 7:03 pm,
The Num Num said…
Are you fun at a Party? You fibbing boy?
Work is a pain mate, don't even consider it as something fun. I hate doing financial stuff, and yet, here i am being asked to justify profit margin reports and stuff.
Just give me a problem with technology and i'm happy.
So work wise, ask yourself - What makes you happy?
Best not to think about peaks, coz apparently we peaked sexually at the age of 17/18. Rather think of life as a series of changes around a CORE.
Find what you want to be in that core, and do what you can to change things around to keep that core stable.
Happiness is the most important thing, and for most, it doesn't come at work.
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