Maybe it’s time I found some faith...

The cardinals, the princes of the Catholic Church, are gathering at the Sistine Chapel to begin the conclave that will end with the election of the new Pope, the spiritual leader for billions of people across the whole planet, the person whose word is believed to carry equal weight to the word of God.

How do you apply?

Do you think they're an Equal Opportunities employer?

Is there text voting for the public?

Will there be a nightly highlights programme on Channel 4 ("Day 85: it's raining and Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger and Ricardo Maria Carles Gordo, the Archbishop Emeritus of Barcelona, are in the hot tub.") and a live stream on E4?

Perhaps the white smoke will come up, and the Senior Deacon of the College of Cardinals, Jorge Cardinal Medina Estevez from Chile will step out onto the balcony of the Vatican and shouts out "Habemus Papam! It was a close run thing, and Kenzie from Blazin' Squad was unlucky to miss out, but the winner of the Conclave 2005 is..... Germaine Greer!"