52% intelligent. 9% modest. More monkey than bear.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

we're the litter on the breeze....

Hello my lovelies. Auntie Swiss here.

Just to prove that there's a first time for everything.....I'm listening:

-> Charlie asked: "How often are you supposed to replace running shoes?"

Auntie Swiss says: Well Charlie, that's an interesting question. Let me ask you this: do they honk? are you forced to leave your fetid footwear outdoors? Do people run away screaming when they see you in the distance? If your answer to any of these questions is yes, then they probably need changing. If that doesn't work, then you probably need to look more closely at your personal hygiene routines. Change them every 500 miles and don't buy Nikes. Asics, Saucony and Mizuno are worth a look. Also think about buying some sorbothane insoles. Don't forget to wash though, otherwise your new trainers will be of little help with your social life.

-> Smug of Westminster asked: "I am about to stand for leadership of the Conservative party. As one of my valued constituents, can you offer any advice on my campaign?"

Auntie Swiss says: Ah, Smug. Third time lucky, eh? I think you should play to your strengths: drink claret, smoke cigars, wear hush puppies. If you stick to what you know, your people will flood to your support. If they don't - sod'em. Head back to your nice cushy executive role at Imperial Tobacco and get back to flogging fags to the Third World. Nice to see you at the cricket the other day, by the way.

-> A Desperate Blogger asked: "I am so behind with my blog...I just can't keep up....please help"

Auntie Swiss says: Now then Desperate; I want you to think long and hard about your day. How much time do you spend washing? How much time eating? How much time sleeping? How much time is spent having an actual conversation with someone? Too much, I'll warrant. If you don't cut down on these pointless activities, then you are fated to always fall behind with your blog. If you carry on in this way, one day you will even begin to think that there might be more to your life than blogging.... You cannot continue to think of yourself as a blogger as long as you continue to have any semblance of a life. Don't think we won't notice.

-> Yoko asked: Can you please recommend me a suitable outfit for Afternoon Tea at the Ritz. I need the whole shooting match - head to toe.

Auntie Swiss says: Oh Yoko, simple. I don't think their dress code is too onerous these days:

All you'll need do is not shave for a few days, and you should be fine.


Thanks for your questions. I hope in my own small way I've been able to help you with your lives. I don't ask for payment... the satisfaction of knowing that I have made a difference to another's life is enough for me.

Auntie Swiss.


Come on then. Out with it.

Has Blogger been playing silly buggers, or is "Auntie Swiss" just a rubbish idea?

Hit me with it. I can take it. I may be a little bit hurt...but I can take it.

Yeah. Actually, you're probably right....


  • At 8:23 pm, Blogger LB said…

    I have lots of things to ask Auntie Swiss, but one of them are necessarily conducive to a blogging audience.

    Perhaps you should give us some time to come up with something?


  • At 9:19 pm, Blogger Ali said…

    Wow thanks Aunty Swiss. Your suggestion that I undergo a sex change operation, and then adopt a transvestite lifestyle, whilst at first examination seems rather onerous and expensive, is obviously the 'right thing to do'.

    I may have further dilemmas to refer to you in future - can we just jump straight in and ask you willy nilly, whenever we need to?

  • At 9:26 pm, Blogger red one said…

    *stops washing, eating, sleeping and talking for a sec*

    Thanks Auntie Swiss, that was well worth the 5c. Although you didn't address the problem of my spending too much time commenting on other people's blogs...

    *goes drowsily back to bathroom, talking through sarnie*

    Desperate Blogger

  • At 9:55 pm, Blogger Charlie said…

    aw, shit--you say 500 miles, and mine have problem been oh, say, 2000?

    it's been 2 years since i've switched.

    the odor isn't bad, though, and they look decent, but the soles are getting pretty bare.

    thanks, swiss.

  • At 10:06 pm, Blogger swisslet said…

    Yoko - happy to help (although I see that you chose not to think that I had simply already assumed that you were a tranny with a moustache..). With that in mind, of course you can ask me anytime.

    Red - pah. Details.

    Charlie - the other thing you should do is to get to a proper sports shop that has one of those sensor mat things that they use to examine how your foot hits the ground so that you can get a pair of trainers with the correct support. It makes a massive difference. If you think they need changing, then they definitely need changing.

    Anyone else?

  • At 11:02 pm, Blogger Ali said…

    >I had simply already assumed that you were a tranny with a moustache..)

    But...I'm a LADY!

  • At 3:24 am, Blogger HistoryGeek said…

    I'm always looking for romantic advise...so tell me, what's a post-modern, feminist, bi, pagan girl to do when she wants to get laid (and apparently, can't)?

  • At 10:15 am, Blogger Mark said…

    there's no great answer to that Spinsterwitch. Though you do sell yourself pretty well there.

    /auto AuntieMark

  • At 10:09 pm, Blogger Flash said…

    Well, I like it & I'm miffed that I missed the whole thing.

    I shall be filing it under Ideas to nick off Swiss Toni when I've got nowt to say.


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